Not "today I am old" but just... I am old. I have always been old. I have always been responsible, accountable, conscientious, hard-working and just... boring.
Then there are the times that I have broken from that mould, rebelled and disappointed those that the older ones were created to impress and appease.
On the one hand I like the part that undermines my achievements and brings me back to Earth because it means that maybe I haven't sold out.. maybe there is part of my original soul there underneath wanting to create, to build to wonder at the world and make something else other than money... and that for other people.
I function in the real world as a slightly above-average professional. I could have been brilliant at my work or I could have been a successful starving creative living in a squat but I will never know.
Somehow I got everything and nothing and every front is false. Every part takes some of me; some of my time, some of my energy and expresses a different part of who I am and yet there is nothing concrete, stable and ironically nothing reliable.
And yet I am accountable for all, receiving the benefit of none.
I begin to mourn the loss of my childhood from the past as I begin to accept the loss of my family in the present.
Admittedly it is a loss of my own choosing because I cannot heal with them in my life.
It is a sad kind of loss, it is a sad kind of death that cannot be properly mourned.
And yet it must be done.
Then there are the times that I have broken from that mould, rebelled and disappointed those that the older ones were created to impress and appease.
On the one hand I like the part that undermines my achievements and brings me back to Earth because it means that maybe I haven't sold out.. maybe there is part of my original soul there underneath wanting to create, to build to wonder at the world and make something else other than money... and that for other people.
I function in the real world as a slightly above-average professional. I could have been brilliant at my work or I could have been a successful starving creative living in a squat but I will never know.
Somehow I got everything and nothing and every front is false. Every part takes some of me; some of my time, some of my energy and expresses a different part of who I am and yet there is nothing concrete, stable and ironically nothing reliable.
And yet I am accountable for all, receiving the benefit of none.
I begin to mourn the loss of my childhood from the past as I begin to accept the loss of my family in the present.
Admittedly it is a loss of my own choosing because I cannot heal with them in my life.
It is a sad kind of loss, it is a sad kind of death that cannot be properly mourned.
And yet it must be done.
Re: "(...)sad kind of death that cannot be properly mourned."
ReplyDeleteWhen they die for "real", people at least send cards saying they're sorry for the loss.
Nobody sends card to help mourn the sudden realization that you never had the kind of mother or father you needed.
May I send you a mourning card,