Let's go back to the rock

How do you prepare to let the walls dissolve? Part of the joy of high-functioning is.. well.. high-functioning. That's kind of the point.

Admittedly after this weekend's disasterous behaviour high-functioning may not be the best description of this particular system..

Tonight I go to T and take the lid off. Oh I'm sure it's very safe and all that but I've spent every second since the weekend trying to force the lid back on so I can manage little things like.. go to work.. not be s*****al that kind of thing. So now I have to go and be told that I need to open up, to trust, to talk and all that crap so that I can then go and attempt to be high-functioning for the rest of the week. And I will feel sick and guilty and like a failure because I fail to produce whatever kind of performance is expected by T and by the more organised, responsible parts of the system.

It's all very silly.

And it sucks.

However on the upside I'm half way through the week and the sun is shining so it's not all bad.

Can you "make" yourself crazy?

This last weekend was the most out of control the system has been in a long, long time. Sense of unreality increased to whole new level, losing time,"waking up" in strange locations, discovering things that shouldn't have happened if I'd been in charge.

I admit, things have happened to disturb the security... secure items (people) have been removed from the environment and there has been a void in the support system. I don't know how people do this alone. I think the only reason I survived until now intact is having someone in my life who knows all my shit and still loves me. Even if I don't understand it... it's there. Even if not everyone inside knows or understands.. it is there and the feeling of support that comes from there permeates the emotions of the system but equally, when there is a removal of this presence, albeit temporary, the system notes the absence.

No amount of pseudo-support in the form of professional therapists can replace genuine emotion and love.

And now though back from travels, temporarily back but back at least for now a something, better than a nothing but things are still shaky and unstable. Holding together.. just holding. A chink of light in the darkness that soon will be extinguished.

For someone who always hated relying on others to have this much attachment in general is difficult, for the system - almost intolerable.

Never too late

I saw this quote on Missing in Sight's blog and I'm still processing..

It's Never Too Late to Be What You Might Have Been.
~ George Eliot

T says constantly that despite being high-functioning, career-type person I would have achieved much more if I hadn't had the start I did (details not required it seems the diagnosis says it all) which is both scary and depressing and confusing to those who think that really we've done quite well all things considered haven't we? haven't we?

But this quote - this means that we can start again right now. It doesn't have to be a "I'll do that when I'm better" or "I'll do that one day".. I can start now.. I just need to work out what it is and make a start.

Inspired and scared.

Nocturnal meanderings

Someone went walkabout last night. This is what happens when you keep everything "under control" for weeks then some nice therapist comes along and says "it's ok, you can let it all out" well yes for an hour and then you're on your own with it for a week or so left wondering if you weren't better off pretending and managing just the best way you can.

Feeling like the chap from Fight Club.. "People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden."

"Hey, you created me. I didn't create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility! "

Pinball wizard

I'm going to write this before I come up with a title because I don't know what I'm going to write about only that I should write something just to get it out.

If I could map everything inside my head and everything in my external world then everyone would know why I am the way I am.

* Life. the external stuff. Work, relationships, obligations, worries, things to be achieved and done and ticked off the list
* Internal world. A mess of internal miscommunication repressed and shut down as much as possible, with the occasional escapee
* Memories. Fragmented, confused, real and yet not real, forced down with the voices inside but recurring and popping out when they shouldn't be, refusing to surface on demand in session.

These can be cross referenced with triggers that send thought processes hurtling from external world through memories into the internal realm and then.. dissociation. Sometimes I am gone for seconds, minutes.. I lost 2 hours in the middle of the day once but I was at home. It's funny that the system won't breakdown unless I am 100% safe, until there is time and space for a total collapse and time loss of this length it just keeps going, functioning, managing, coordinating limbs and words, speech, sensible thoughts that are sensible in the sensible world and make the normal people nod sagely and say "ah. this one is wise and businesslike and sensible and clever and will go far" but I'm not going anywhere. Just in circles. But not in circles, just in lines like a pinball machine firing between external..internal..external..internal..

It's amazing how many people you can fool into thinking you are sane.

The (mis)treatment plan

Somehow it seems this is set to be a year of change; inside and out.

Maybe move job, maybe move house, maybe end T if I run out of cash. Thanks NHS, thanks government. Too rich (ie employed) for free treatment, too poor to afford private, stuck in limbo somewhere between sane-and-poor or mad-and-solvent.

The only way to qualify for any help is to give up and have a total breakdown, lose job, lose home etc. Shame about the high-functioning part of me that won't give up.

Funny how one "acquires" responsibilities along the way. The responsibilities don't care if I get better they only care that I keep being responsible. If I fail to achieve, to provide, to "be" then they will go on to their next provider. Those trying to help (but being paid to do so) will find others to help.

Is it possible to get any work done in therapy when you are all the time worrying about where the next payment is coming from? Am I therefore wasting time and money?

Anyone got a dry cardboard box I can move into? It's starting to rain.

Avoiding familial obligations

We have to avoid the family and all the things they want and yet somehow they do not understand why I don't want anything to do with them. Are they all dissociated? Do they really have no idea what went on? Why is it that I have to take full responsibility for this. I will now appear as the bad child for rejecting the family and yet I cannot accept them in my life any more. Their toxicity and the silent denial of that which is never mentioned is too destructive for my system.

On one side I have friends and therapists telling me to bin them. Apparently there is no reason to keep working to fulfil their requirements. On the other I have the family expecting me to play along with birthdays and anniversaries and Christmases and Easters and really - I mean really - not understanding why I do not want to be near any of them.

Do I say, once and for all "I don't want to see any of you ever again"?

I cannot work through the memories in therapy and then happily spend 2 hours on the phone to my mother like she was not an enabler of the perpetrator's abuse.

"Never underestimate the power of denial."
Ricky Fitts. American Beauty 1999.

Favourite bank holiday weekend

Thing in the UK called bank holiday. The banks are closed; we have a holiday. No work, no school, all very nice.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday for Easter weekend. One good use for religion even though this country is mostly secular these days.

Never used to like them as a child. Long weekends meant time with the family and nowhere to hide. Rather be at school getting spat on and beat up. Some trauma is more acceptable because it comes from those we were never meant to trust.

Grown up bank holidays are a different beast altogether.

Don't have to spend time with family, only with people I choose. Can hide away even for the most part and say no this day I will spend with you but this day is for me only. Harder to find space when there are others around but it can be done.

Two days will be work for other people there are still commitments that cannot be avoided but at least one day of the four will be spent in my own space. Might even come up with some words to explain the world away given a couple hours, a laptop and a power point.

Need to find a way of alloting time to different ones inside. Not sure how to go about this. Need more work on internal communication rather than internal confusion. Need T to work on this but is away for weeks. Not too bothered about this except as a guide in the process, lacking therefore feels like no guide therefore lost.. no progress.. no forward movement.. must stay on hiatus until return.

Oh well.

Two four day working weeks either side most welcome also.

And... it's done

Amazingly I have managed to extricate myself from some of my many many obligations and a curious calm has descended.

I wonder if the system doesn't create the environment of chaos for itself.

Create activity in the real world > drowns out the noise inside > creates more busyness on the outside > creates more expectations and pressure from others > internalise need to achieve > pressure increased on system structure > increase in noise inside.

Whereas removal of stimulus (too many commitments, too many projects, too many friend requirements, too much with the twice weekly therapy all put on hold for 3 weeks)...

Less outside noise > less inside noise.

Hence the curious calm.

All I need now is a goof night's sleep and I'll be back on track, minus the noise I hope.

Or, I could be repressing the system and putting the world on autopilot. I guess this will become clear. If it's only a temporary solution then the system will kick back at me soon enough.