Let's go back to the rock

How do you prepare to let the walls dissolve? Part of the joy of high-functioning is.. well.. high-functioning. That's kind of the point.

Admittedly after this weekend's disasterous behaviour high-functioning may not be the best description of this particular system..

Tonight I go to T and take the lid off. Oh I'm sure it's very safe and all that but I've spent every second since the weekend trying to force the lid back on so I can manage little things like.. go to work.. not be s*****al that kind of thing. So now I have to go and be told that I need to open up, to trust, to talk and all that crap so that I can then go and attempt to be high-functioning for the rest of the week. And I will feel sick and guilty and like a failure because I fail to produce whatever kind of performance is expected by T and by the more organised, responsible parts of the system.

It's all very silly.

And it sucks.

However on the upside I'm half way through the week and the sun is shining so it's not all bad.

Can you "make" yourself crazy?

This last weekend was the most out of control the system has been in a long, long time. Sense of unreality increased to whole new level, losing time,"waking up" in strange locations, discovering things that shouldn't have happened if I'd been in charge.

I admit, things have happened to disturb the security... secure items (people) have been removed from the environment and there has been a void in the support system. I don't know how people do this alone. I think the only reason I survived until now intact is having someone in my life who knows all my shit and still loves me. Even if I don't understand it... it's there. Even if not everyone inside knows or understands.. it is there and the feeling of support that comes from there permeates the emotions of the system but equally, when there is a removal of this presence, albeit temporary, the system notes the absence.

No amount of pseudo-support in the form of professional therapists can replace genuine emotion and love.

And now though back from travels, temporarily back but back at least for now a something, better than a nothing but things are still shaky and unstable. Holding together.. just holding. A chink of light in the darkness that soon will be extinguished.

For someone who always hated relying on others to have this much attachment in general is difficult, for the system - almost intolerable.

Never too late

I saw this quote on Missing in Sight's blog and I'm still processing..

It's Never Too Late to Be What You Might Have Been.
~ George Eliot

T says constantly that despite being high-functioning, career-type person I would have achieved much more if I hadn't had the start I did (details not required it seems the diagnosis says it all) which is both scary and depressing and confusing to those who think that really we've done quite well all things considered haven't we? haven't we?

But this quote - this means that we can start again right now. It doesn't have to be a "I'll do that when I'm better" or "I'll do that one day".. I can start now.. I just need to work out what it is and make a start.

Inspired and scared.