Today I have declared a national day of mourning.
It is (British) Mother's day.
I am mourning for my mother. She is not dead but I must accept that the mother I always wanted her to be was never and will never be in my life.
Mother's Day has now reached a commercial par with Valentines. Half the country are seeing shrinks and the other half need to and, if you believe the attachment-based chaps its all down to crappy parenting (mostly mothers) then there are very few "good" mothers out there - and yet we are required to celebrate them on this day.
I'm not saying all mothers are crap but there are (running a quick survey of my close F&F) a large number of people who are really fucked in the head because of their mothers' behaviour - past and present.
So the discussion was - is this just normal? Do we just accept that we are celebrating and rewarding bad parenting?
I really want it not to be.
I want the fact that I no longer have a family be because they were terrible parents and I am finally free of them and not just because I am a crazy person.
And I refuse to celebrate.
And yes, of course I have sent her a card.
I have internalised enough of her poison to create a whole new alter (I almost expect it to put in an appearance at some point) and so riddled with guilt am I despite my denunciation of Mother's day as "a bad lot" I must still succumb to its rituals in the knowledge that whatever I do for the mother in question it will never be enough to fill the loveless void of self-and-other-hate that she has created for herself.
And so I do my duty and maintain my distance as best I can.
It is (British) Mother's day.
I am mourning for my mother. She is not dead but I must accept that the mother I always wanted her to be was never and will never be in my life.
Mother's Day has now reached a commercial par with Valentines. Half the country are seeing shrinks and the other half need to and, if you believe the attachment-based chaps its all down to crappy parenting (mostly mothers) then there are very few "good" mothers out there - and yet we are required to celebrate them on this day.
I'm not saying all mothers are crap but there are (running a quick survey of my close F&F) a large number of people who are really fucked in the head because of their mothers' behaviour - past and present.
So the discussion was - is this just normal? Do we just accept that we are celebrating and rewarding bad parenting?
I really want it not to be.
I want the fact that I no longer have a family be because they were terrible parents and I am finally free of them and not just because I am a crazy person.
And I refuse to celebrate.
And yes, of course I have sent her a card.
I have internalised enough of her poison to create a whole new alter (I almost expect it to put in an appearance at some point) and so riddled with guilt am I despite my denunciation of Mother's day as "a bad lot" I must still succumb to its rituals in the knowledge that whatever I do for the mother in question it will never be enough to fill the loveless void of self-and-other-hate that she has created for herself.
And so I do my duty and maintain my distance as best I can.
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