I'm going to write this before I come up with a title because I don't know what I'm going to write about only that I should write something just to get it out.
If I could map everything inside my head and everything in my external world then everyone would know why I am the way I am.
* Life. the external stuff. Work, relationships, obligations, worries, things to be achieved and done and ticked off the list
* Internal world. A mess of internal miscommunication repressed and shut down as much as possible, with the occasional escapee
* Memories. Fragmented, confused, real and yet not real, forced down with the voices inside but recurring and popping out when they shouldn't be, refusing to surface on demand in session.
These can be cross referenced with triggers that send thought processes hurtling from external world through memories into the internal realm and then.. dissociation. Sometimes I am gone for seconds, minutes.. I lost 2 hours in the middle of the day once but I was at home. It's funny that the system won't breakdown unless I am 100% safe, until there is time and space for a total collapse and time loss of this length it just keeps going, functioning, managing, coordinating limbs and words, speech, sensible thoughts that are sensible in the sensible world and make the normal people nod sagely and say "ah. this one is wise and businesslike and sensible and clever and will go far" but I'm not going anywhere. Just in circles. But not in circles, just in lines like a pinball machine firing between external..internal..external..internal..
It's amazing how many people you can fool into thinking you are sane.
If I could map everything inside my head and everything in my external world then everyone would know why I am the way I am.
* Life. the external stuff. Work, relationships, obligations, worries, things to be achieved and done and ticked off the list
* Internal world. A mess of internal miscommunication repressed and shut down as much as possible, with the occasional escapee
* Memories. Fragmented, confused, real and yet not real, forced down with the voices inside but recurring and popping out when they shouldn't be, refusing to surface on demand in session.
These can be cross referenced with triggers that send thought processes hurtling from external world through memories into the internal realm and then.. dissociation. Sometimes I am gone for seconds, minutes.. I lost 2 hours in the middle of the day once but I was at home. It's funny that the system won't breakdown unless I am 100% safe, until there is time and space for a total collapse and time loss of this length it just keeps going, functioning, managing, coordinating limbs and words, speech, sensible thoughts that are sensible in the sensible world and make the normal people nod sagely and say "ah. this one is wise and businesslike and sensible and clever and will go far" but I'm not going anywhere. Just in circles. But not in circles, just in lines like a pinball machine firing between external..internal..external..internal..
It's amazing how many people you can fool into thinking you are sane.
re: "It's amazing how many people you can fool into thinking you are sane."
ReplyDeletebased on our apparent saneness some "sane" people ("scientist" even) then conclude that childhood abuse doesn't always have (clinically) "significant effects"... when I first read about that "conclusion" at wikipedia, I thought I would explode.
And somebody, one of us, did explode.